Summersnow

the last dance - Wednesday, September 23, 2009 @ 6:11 PM

When it cost too much to love-

It's finally dawning on me. That they're leaving. For good. And I'll never be able to see their laugh lines ever again.

Handover was dull for me cause I was submerged in my world. Till date, I still freak Amanda out. Shaomin acts as though nothing happens. Libing is still being a very sweet senior. And Wenmin ignores me. So life's great, right? The people whom I love most in this world.

But in school, my senses were still dumb. The impact - was like a bullet - is just cuts through my skin, not touching the nerves yet. So I don't feel anything at all.

The suddenly, it comes to you like a wave. A surge of pain. The tears that you can't block. The grief that you can't stop. The agitation that you can't stand. It drives you speechless and emotionless. It sucks everything out of you.

The thought of it just haunts me all over again. I won't be seeing them ever, ever again. Wouldn't the dance studio seem empty without the -
'It's too late to apologize... HAHAHAH!'
'MANDAAAAAAA!'
'SHAO ARRH!' followed by Shaomin's screams.

I don't know whether am I suppose to love them or hate. Love them for being oh-so-perfect, gorgeous and wonderful. Or hate them for reducing me into a pack of dust. It's like their existence is vital for my survival. And when they're gone, what is going to happen to me.
No more walking past 4H/4A/4M/4N and peeking into the classes to see what they're doing.
No more stalking them on Facebook.
No more starting at them once I see them in canteen.
No more hyperventilating when they're getting close.
No more smiling gently as they walk past.
No more.

The pain doesn't just cut me on the surface of my skin.
They've gone so deep it's within my cells already.
So when I went for retail therapy at Dhoby Ghaut today, I did feel better, prancing about like a blond Barbie. But the gut feeling was there - inside, somewhere - with the voice chanting 'You're not going to see them anymore, anymore. No more'.
Then I saw the look-alike dress that Wenmin wore to crabflowerclub. I went in and bought the shorter version of it cause they didn't have the long one that Wenmin had. I bought the innerwear that she wore too and paid of it. Through those seconds, I didn't even try on the clothes. It just hit me that I had to get something to remind myself of Wenmin. I already had the Amanda hairband. The Shaomin shoes. And now, the Wenmin dress. My inventory's almost complete - even though I can't bear to return Libing her track pants. So I'd just spent fucking thirty bucks on something that I can't bear to wear cause it looks like what Wenmins has.

After the dress, I wasn't in the mood for shopping anymore.
I just took the MRT. I didn't where I was going.
It was like those hongkong dramas when you see one person standing on the kerb while the flurry of people whizz past. The feeling was the same. The hollowness within you. I just sat on the train, not knowing where to go. So, the train travelled to Serangoon. Cannot - too close to Shaomin's house. Then I jumped off and took the Circle Line. To Bishan - Wenmin's house. It dawned on me. So I changed to Red Line and went back to Novena. And took a bus home. Throughout the entire journey, I wasn't even thinking. Cause it hurts to much just to think of it.

How in the world am I suppose to remind myself that there's no EVER EVER AFTER in my world unlike what I portray in my stories?
That A, LB, SM and WM are never going to turn their backs and look at me and say the three words I'd kill to listen. Just from their mouths.
That A would someday forgive me for being such a freak.
That WM would stop discriminating me for once.
That LB , well, she's kind of better than the rest.
That SM, I don't know what to say either.
Am I suppose to throw away every single belonging of mine that reminds me of them, or stop participating in activities that make me reminsice about them?
Then I'm not doing to dance camp - cause it reminds me of SYF presentation night. OUR LAST DANCE. The one that A didn't participate it. But it was our last dance. The last dance I see them adorned with their beautiful costumes and by stealing a glance at S who's in front of me, I see her pained expression as she puts in her heart and soul into you. It's moments that I can't forget. And I never will.

Thinking of that, I just threw away my $68 M.A.C eyeshadow set.
I bought it because it was the exact one that Chewan used it on us for the dance at nationalibrary.
Each time I glaze my skin against the slippery plastic cover, I would remember-
How Chewan asked me to stop moving as she streaked the midnight blue eyeshadow over my eyelids.
How Shaomin and Wenmin argued over how to blush my cheeks.
How my cheeks ended up to be unequal in the end.
How Amanda and Libing rushed the hell just for us.
How we danced on the gravel floor.
These memories hurt.
Alot.

If anyone thinks that I'm weird-
Try asking
Peyling when Ma'am Julene leaves in a year's time.
Haseena when Afiqah leaves soon.
Denise when Adeline leaves soon.
Krystal when Celine Tan leaves in a year's time.
Nicole when Miss Yang leaves someday.

Cause when you love someone-
And suddenly, it hurtst so much to love-
For once, I really have no idea to do.

Because I've never felt so hurt before.

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs to much to love.
-Fiona Apple

-A-
I've never loved a guy, let alone a girl.
But how can I actually love these 4people so much that I'm willing to risk my life for them.

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Indigo'09 1Hcube'08 2HighOnHiccups'09 Modern dancer bolditalicunderline~~strikeout~~	the last dance - Wednesday, September 23, 2009 @ 6:11 PM When it cost too much to love- It's finally dawning on me. That they're leaving. For good. And I'll never be able to see their laugh lines ever again. Handover was dull for me cause I was submerged in my world. Till date, I still freak Amanda out. Shaomin acts as though nothing happens. Libing is still being a very sweet senior. And Wenmin ignores me. So life's great, right? The people whom I love most in this world. But in school, my senses were still dumb. The impact - was like a bullet - is just cuts through my skin, not touching the nerves yet. So I don't feel anything at all. The suddenly, it comes to you like a wave. A surge of pain. The tears that you can't block. The grief that you can't stop. The agitation that you can't stand. It drives you speechless and emotionless. It sucks everything out of you. The thought of it just haunts me all over again. I won't be seeing them ever, ever again. Wouldn't the dance studio seem empty without the - 'It's too late to apologize... HAHAHAH!' 'MANDAAAAAAA!' 'SHAO ARRH!' followed by Shaomin's screams. I don't know whether am I suppose to love them or hate. Love them for being oh-so-perfect, gorgeous and wonderful. Or hate them for reducing me into a pack of dust. It's like their existence is vital for my survival. And when they're gone, what is going to happen to me. No more walking past 4H/4A/4M/4N and peeking into the classes to see what they're doing. No more stalking them on Facebook. No more starting at them once I see them in canteen. No more hyperventilating when they're getting close. No more smiling gently as they walk past. No more. The pain doesn't just cut me on the surface of my skin. They've gone so deep it's within my cells already. So when I went for retail therapy at Dhoby Ghaut today, I did feel better, prancing about like a blond Barbie. But the gut feeling was there - inside, somewhere - with the voice chanting 'You're not going to see them anymore, anymore. No more'. Then I saw the look-alike dress that Wenmin wore to crabflowerclub. I went in and bought the shorter version of it cause they didn't have the long one that Wenmin had. I bought the innerwear that she wore too and paid of it. Through those seconds, I didn't even try on the clothes. It just hit me that I had to get something to remind myself of Wenmin. I already had the Amanda hairband. The Shaomin shoes. And now, the Wenmin dress. My inventory's almost complete - even though I can't bear to return Libing her track pants. So I'd just spent fucking thirty bucks on something that I can't bear to wear cause it looks like what Wenmins has. After the dress, I wasn't in the mood for shopping anymore. I just took the MRT. I didn't where I was going. It was like those hongkong dramas when you see one person standing on the kerb while the flurry of people whizz past. The feeling was the same. The hollowness within you. I just sat on the train, not knowing where to go. So, the train travelled to Serangoon. Cannot - too close to Shaomin's house. Then I jumped off and took the Circle Line. To Bishan - Wenmin's house. It dawned on me. So I changed to Red Line and went back to Novena. And took a bus home. Throughout the entire journey, I wasn't even thinking. Cause it hurts to much just to think of it. How in the world am I suppose to remind myself that there's no EVER EVER AFTER in my world unlike what I portray in my stories? That A, LB, SM and WM are never going to turn their backs and look at me and say the three words I'd kill to listen. Just from their mouths. That A would someday forgive me for being such a freak. That WM would stop discriminating me for once. That LB , well, she's kind of better than the rest. That SM, I don't know what to say either. Am I suppose to throw away every single belonging of mine that reminds me of them, or stop participating in activities that make me reminsice about them? Then I'm not doing to dance camp - cause it reminds me of SYF presentation night. OUR LAST DANCE. The one that A didn't participate it. But it was our last dance. The last dance I see them adorned with their beautiful costumes and by stealing a glance at S who's in front of me, I see her pained expression as she puts in her heart and soul into you. It's moments that I can't forget. And I never will. Thinking of that, I just threw away my $68 M.A.C eyeshadow set. I bought it because it was the exact one that Chewan used it on us for the dance at nationalibrary. Each time I glaze my skin against the slippery plastic cover, I would remember- How Chewan asked me to stop moving as she streaked the midnight blue eyeshadow over my eyelids. How Shaomin and Wenmin argued over how to blush my cheeks. How my cheeks ended up to be unequal in the end. How Amanda and Libing rushed the hell just for us. How we danced on the gravel floor. These memories hurt. Alot. If anyone thinks that I'm weird- Try asking Peyling when Ma'am Julene leaves in a year's time. Haseena when Afiqah leaves soon. Denise when Adeline leaves soon. Krystal when Celine Tan leaves in a year's time. Nicole when Miss Yang leaves someday. Cause when you love someone- And suddenly, it hurtst so much to love- For once, I really have no idea to do. Because I've never felt so hurt before. Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs to much to love. -Fiona Apple -A- I've never loved a guy, let alone a girl. 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